


Reno and the King's Boy

by Vinvalen



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:06:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4147632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinvalen/pseuds/Vinvalen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The challenge was to take a folk tale/fairy tale and warp it to hell and gone.  Thus, bizarre courtship rituals ensue, Tseng is one slick customer, Rude is full of good advice, and Reno isn't *quite* as dumb as he looks. Maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reno and the King's Boy

Once upon a time (isn’t that how all good stories begin? Unless of course you’re in certain geographic locations and then they tend to start with the phrase: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit”)

On second thought, considering the players in this little farce, the second option is more likely accurate.

Now…where was I? Oh yes.

Once upon a time, there was a young man named. Reno. Now Reno, truth be told, wasn’t as they say, ‘wrapped all that tight.’ Still, no matter what he got himself into, he always seemed to manage to land on his feet. Mostly. Every now and then. Every now and then.

So. Anyway. Reno had an uncle named Tseng. This uncle lived a right smart distance from where he and his mother did, but Reno decided one time he'd like to go up and see him, because Uncle Tseng played a pretty mean guitar and had promised to show Reno how it was done.  
Reno could be pretty laid back when he took a notion, but this time he worked hard all week, getting in wood and fixing up everything else that needed doing before he set out.

  
Now it just so happened that Reno had to go by the King’s house on his way to his uncle’s. (King’s house. Yeah. You _did_ read the disclaimer, right?)

  
His Most Imperial High Royal Majesty Rufus ShinRa (most people just called him ‘Roofers’ behind his back to avoid having to deal with the mouthful of name) had a right good-looking son named Rude (how Rufus’ last name was ShinRa and Rude didn’t seem to have one is a ‘whole nuther matter’ as they say, just use your imagination) but the problem was, from the day he was born, Rude had never laughed. King Rufus had tried everything he could think of, until he finally gave up and ran an ad in the newspaper saying that anybody who could make Rude laugh could marry him.

  
As it turns out, the day Reno set out for his uncle's house and got pretty close to where the King lived, Rude was sitting out beside the road on a saw log watching his chickens. He liked their beady little eyes and the way they would as soon flog something as look at it. Some of them even had wicked spurs on their feet. So, chickens were very metal in Rude’s opinion, especially when the roosters took a dislike to each other.

  
Rude being Rude, he probably would have let Reno go on by with nary a glance (well, maybe a smirk) but Reno was a neighbor of sorts and King Rufus wouldn’t stand for him not at least putting up a show of manners. Besides, he kinda liked the guy. Reno wasn’t impressed by much of anything and you always knew where you stood with him, which was a lot more than could be said for the hangers-on infesting his father’s house. Yeah, Reno was pretty metal himself, when Rude took time to think about it, so he struck up a conversation of sorts.  
“Where you going, Reno?” Rude asked, curious about Reno’s destination and the big grin plastered on the other's face.

  
“Goin’ over to Uncle Tseng’s house. He has big jam in his garage on weekends. He’s gonna shows me how to play guitar.”

  
Rude couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, it sounded like a lot more fun than watching chickens. “Wish I was going with you,” he said. “Tell me about it when you get back.”

  
“Will do,” Reno replied. “Seeya then.”

  
And so Reno went on. When he got to his uncle’s house, Tseng immediately put him to work raking out the mess from the previous weekend, and soon a big mound of garbage was growing beside the garage, making way for the new and improved mess to slither in behind it.

  
Anyway, Reno got done in plenty of time before folks started showing up, so Tseng loaned him an old guitar and showed him a couple of chords. Reno took off with them every chance he got and had himself a big old time. From Friday night ‘til Sunday, Reno would get up now and then and rake the place out and with the booze and other substances making the rounds everybody kinda forgot that it wasn’t still the weekend. They just kept jamming on through ‘til Monday and then some, because nobody could figure out the day of the week without counting how many beer cans and liquor bottles and pizza boxes were piled up.

  
Tseng was mighty pleased by Reno’s industriousness, and the boy was learning fast enough that nobody could really complain about it, but the egos were starting to get out of hand and he was tired of breaking up fights. Finally he pulled Reno aside. “Time for you to go home, Reno. Your mama is probably worrying about and needing you. Who’s gonna chop wood if you’re not there?”  
“Right,” Reno agreed. “I need ta go in day or two.”

  
“If you go today, I’ll give you a present,” Tseng told him. “I’ll give you big old darning needle so you can fix the clothes you tore up moving the garbage.”

  
And so he did, even threading it with a long thread before he gave it to Reno, who went on his way with the thread over his shoulder and the darning needle swinging down behind him. After a couple of times forgetting it was there when he sat down to rest (it didn’t take him long to remember) he felt like he pretty much had the hang of it.

  
When he got back as far as the King’s house, Rude was out front again with his chickens. “Looks like you had a good time,” Rude said, taking in the state of Reno’s clothes. “What’s that hanging over your shoulder?”

  
“It was boss,” Reno replied, showing off his present. “I got a darning needle. Uncle Tseng gave it to me to pay me to come back home.”

  
Rude looked at the big old needle, then at Reno. “Looks like a shank to me, so I wouldn’t want to be carrying it around where just anybody could see it. You might want to pin it in your shirt.”

  
“Good idea,” Reno said, doing exactly that. “Least I won’t be sittin’ on it no more.”

  
Reno went on his way, Rude shaking his head as he watched him go. When Reno got home, he told his mother what a good time he’d had and then went around catching up on everything that needed doing, but he couldn’t quit thinking about what a good time he’d had at his uncle’s house.

  
Finally his mother bragged on how good everything looked and told him as soon as he had the wood laid in, he could go back to Tseng’s house. “But don’t be gone so long this time,” she said.

  
So Reno finished everything up and set out again. When he got back to the King’s house, Rude was out by the road again. “Where you going this time, Reno?”

  
“Back to Uncle’s,” Reno said.

  
“Well maybe you’ll have a good time again and come home with another present,” Rude replied

.  
Reno grinned. “Yeah, maybe. Seeya when I get back!”

  
When Reno got to Tseng’s house and had the garage raked out again, he was having such a good time he completely forgot about going home. A few days later, Tseng bragged again on what a good job he’d done and how much he’d learned. Reno was hoping he’d get his own guitar out of the deal, but when Tseng came back from the house, he gave Reno a sword. “This has been in the family for generations,” he claimed.

So Reno took it and started for home. After awhile the thing got kinda heavy and he remembered what Rude had told him, so he stuck it into his shirt where it promptly poked a hole out the other side. _Rude was right,_ he thought. _Izza a lot easier carrying it like this._

  
Of course Rude was outside again when Reno came by the King’s house on his way home. “Hi, Reno,” Rude said. “Why is there a sword sticking through your shirt? Now you got another hole to sew up. You shoulda carried it over your shoulder.”

  
“Yeah, I shoulda,” Reno agreed. “Next time I’m gonna do that. Seeya, Rude!”

  
Rude just stared after him as he went, shaking his head again.

  
So Reno went home and played with his new present until he wore himself out and almost cut his leg off in the process. He put it away, caught up his chores again and when the next weekend rolled around, he went to ask his mother about going back to his uncle’s house. A little while later, he was on his way again. This time when he passed by the King’s house, he stopped to talk awhile. Reno started telling Rude about learning guitar and all the people he’d been hanging with, especially Zack the drummer.

  
“Lotta people there. I filled up six hundred an forty two garbage bags last time.”

  
“Hmph. Looks like he’d give you one of his guitars for all that work,” Rude said, not very impressed with this uncle and how he was taking advantage of Reno.

  
“Uncle Tseng don’t let nobody touch his guitar,” Reno said. “Not even breathe on it. I don’t mind, I got an old one ta practice on.” Reno grinned when Rude frowned. “No worries, Rude. I’m not so stupid as he thinks I am. Beer cans are worth a lotta money down at the recycle place. I’m gonna buy my own guitar when I get back.”

  
“Boss.” Rude said, impressed. It sounded like Reno had a pretty good gig going after all. Thing was, Rude liked to sing, but it was something King Rufus said was ‘beneath his station’ (whatever that meant) so he’d kinda given up on it. “Think I could go with you sometime?”

  
“Don’t see why not,” Reno replied, shrugging. “I’ll ask uncle Tseng.”

  
Reno went on his way again and had as good a time as he did before. (After cleaning the place up again, of course) Every time he went, it seemed there were more people there, so it took awhile and he was beginning to think that bringing Rude along would be a pretty good idea, so he’d at least he’d have somebody to talk to while he worked. Still, he had a good time and when the party moved to somebody else’s place the next day, Reno went along too. This went on for a few more days going from one place to another before Tseng decided it was time for Reno to go home again.

  
“I’m going to give you a really nice present this time, Reno. Maybe you’ll stay home a month before you come back. I’ve got a nice young horse. You take it home, you’ll be awhile getting it broke to ride.” Tseng went and got a halter and brought Reno the colt, and Reno started off for home. When he got close to the King’s house again, he happened to think about what Rude had said and ducked down, getting the colt hoisted up onto his shoulder.

  
Rude, meanwhile, was watching all this. “Riding’s a lot better than carrying,” he said when Reno came along carrying the colt.

  
“Ya got that right,” Reno said, putting the horse down and catching his breath. “I’ll try ta remember next time.”

  
When Reno got home, he had such a good time working with his new horse that he forgot all about going back to his uncle’s house for almost a month. But when the colt was going along well, Reno started getting restless again.

  
“Well Reno,” his mother said, “I figured you been having such a good time with your horse, you forgot all about Tseng. You go on, I’ll look after it while you’re gone.”

  
So Reno got all his work done and went on his way. About the time he got to the King’s house, he remembered that he’d forgotten to ask Tseng about bringing Rude along this trip. “Sorry I forgot, Rude, but I promise to try an’ remember this time.”

  
Rude was disappointed, but then he thought of a way to help Reno remember. Reaching into his bag of chicken feed, he gave Reno enough to fill his pockets.

  
“How’s that gonna help?” Reno asked, bewildered.

  
“When you put your hands in your pockets, you’ll think about my chickens,” Rude explained. “When you think about the chickens, then you’ll think about me and remember to ask your uncle if I can go with you.”

  
“Fuckin’ brilliant!” Reno crowed…I’ll remember this time.” Feeling a little brave since he and Rude had been getting along so well, Reno decided to steal a kiss and was surprised when Rude smiled a little as he kissed him back. They talked a little bit longer before Reno figured he’d better be going, wishing he’d been smart enough to ask Tseng before. “Seeya soon, Rude,” he said as once again, Reno went on his way, sure that he’d remember to ask his question this time. He’d been thinking a lot about Rude as he walked back and forth from his house to his uncle’s, wondering if he could figure out a way to make Rude laugh, even if King Rufus didn’t like the idea of Reno wanting to marry him.

  
This visit went much the same as the one before, except now there were groupies camping out in Tseng’s yard too, which meant even more garbage to be picked up, which made Reno start thinking about buying a motorcycle to go with his new guitar. He had a good time, but as the days went by, Tseng started to notice how Reno was making friends with everybody and they seemed to be liking him better than they did Tseng. So he decided to send Reno home again and start making people pick up their own trash.  
“Time you went home to see about your mama,” Tseng told him.

  
“Yeah,” Reno said, mentally counting all the money he’d made that week. Even if he didn’t come back for another month or two, he could sell the horse and have money left over to get Rude a nice present after buying the things he wanted. His pockets were full of money now instead of the chicken feed, but he’d put some of it in a little bag one of the groupies gave him, and it was on a string around his neck. “Izzit okay if I bring a friend next time ta help with the garbage?”

  
Now Reno had no intention of asking the King’s son to help him pick up trash, but he wanted Rude to have a good time and meet his new friends. When he thought about Rude, always standing out by the road with his chickens just to avoid the King’s groupies, being royalty didn’t seem like very much fun.

  
“Okay, you can bring him.” Tseng figured with two of them working instead of just one, the work would go twice as fast and he could send Reno back home that much sooner. “Tell you what…I’ve got a nice heifer you can take home with you. You’ll have a good milk cow to with your horse.” So Tseng went and got a rope and tied it around the cow’s horns. Reno thanked him and started back home.

  
When he got close to the King’s house again, Reno remembered what Rude told him the last time and started to climb up on the cow’s back. Not liking the idea one little bit, the cow whacked him upside the head with her tail and sidestepped. Reno, instead of landing where he’s intended, flailed around and wound up facing backward with a horn in one hand and the cow’s tail in the other. The cow took off for greener pastures, which just happened to be right through the middle of Rude’s flock of chickens with Reno yelling, flapping from one side of the cow to the other and wondering if there would be anything left of his package once the cow’s backbone got done with him.

  
They hit the King’s front porch in a snowstorm of feathers, cuss words, bellowing, and a sizeable number of pissed off poultry just as Rude opened the front door, bent on finding out who was trying to murder his chickens. Rude ducked aside just as the cow charged on through the house and grabbed Reno off its back, but overbalanced and fell flat of his ass with Reno in his lap. They stared at each other and then Rude, when he heard the cow go bellowing its way into the throne room and his father’s entire household diving for cover, began to laugh. He laughed so loud and hard he finally gave up and flopped the rest of the way over, hugging Reno to him as they went down, Reno laughing with him.

  
Even with the cow wrecking the house, people peeped out from their hiding places to witness the miracle.

  
“Rude? They’re starin’ at us,” Reno finally managed to wheeze as they caught their breath.

  
“Let them,” Rude replied, pulling Reno down into a kiss. “We’re not the ones with cowshit in our hair, so I don’t see what their problem is.”

  
“Uh, Rude? You ain’t got no hair,” Reno observed.

  
“Now you know why,” Rude countered.

  
Finally someone herded the cow back outside, but not before it made the king’s uppity butler and a half-dozen of the most obnoxious of his majesty’s advisers dive through a window to get away from it. Lot of good it did them, because the heifer merely went through it behind them and took up the chase again outside, with Rude’s chickens, who were beyond annoyed with it all and got their two cent’s worth in the bargain.

  
“I think I like that cow,” Rude observed. “It’s metal.”

  
The next week, people came from far and wide to see the wedding of the century, but it was the party afterward where Rude sang and Reno played his guitar with their new friends that launched a sellout world tour.

**Author's Note:**

> The original of this tale is one that's been around for generations, 'Jack and the King's Girl'. Hope it brightened your day, and thanks for reading!


End file.
